healed

I have been writing on the other blog, but this was a bit too personal and I felt like there was no space there for this. Maybe, some time soon, I will find a way to say this, with less heart, less about you, on a more publicised blog but – I think I can finally say that when it comes to you, my heart is finally okay.

One morning as I was sitting on a jet boat to an island in Fiji, I looked at my heel which was once covered in a boil and in so much pain 2 weeks ago. I had picked at the wound – where the new skin was forming – until there was a hole. But beneath it, the new, baby-like skin was showing. Through looking at the wound, I learnt how not to rush the healing process, whether physically, spiritually or emotionally. And I remember asking God as I stared at my heel wound: “how about my heart God, is it healed?”

I didn’t get an answer then, but tonight I have my answer. I can hear anecdotes of you and laugh, genuinely, and think yes, that sounds like something he would do. And that’s it. For the first time in 6 years, I could hear about you without any love, longing or pain in my heart. I know that you are where you need to be just as I am where I need to be, and I am happy for you.

Love and light 

Woke up today to a reminder from FB that it is Chng’s birthday and amidst all the mess of emotions lately, my heart is filled with thankfulness :”) this is the same boy who came over to my ulu house with hot chocolate AND marshmallows!! :”) who brought ice cream and drinks to cheer me up and who always told the truth like “you look like a water balloon that is bursting when you cry” LOL. And there are days that I feel like I lucked out with this friendship, even if it’s been a long while since we last spoke and he is all the way in London.

But it is really such a timely reminder that there is sooo much to be thankful for! K and YQ have been on the receiving end of my whiny and mopey texts LOL. But today is going to be a good day! On the way to a yoga class this morning and no better way to start a day really than to open your heart and mind, leave everything behind before arriving on the mat for a clean slate to the day ahead. 

Been back in SG for about 2 weeks now and leaving the states was really hard 😦 I was super sad and did not want to come back to ~REAL LIFE~ after the one month of living in the bubble that was grad trip. Ben has been religiously blogging about the trip since getting back – an update about each day even!! but I don’t think I will be doing that considering when the last post was and also cos the highlights of the trip are pretty much all on insta/ friends would have seen it all on snapchat. Bought 2GB worth of data that was supposed to last me for a month but 1 week into the trip, I received a text that said I’d used up half of my data already LOL snapchat truly drains data. In other news!! I added an insta widget on this page 🙂

The one month was truly magical and the time of being away, exploring new cities and meeting new people, as trite as it sounds, have truly widened my horizons. And if you are reading this blog (which I would think is pretty private, apart from that hardware zone incident LOL) you would probably know that in slightly more than 3 weeks time, I’ll be leaving for New Zealand to join a DTS under Youth With a Mission’s (YWAM).

ok not related to anything that I have been typing but just overheard: “I think the only reason that he is getting married is so that he can see a stripper (at his bachelor party)” LOLOLOL. This  cracks me up but also reminds me of Vegas and the strip club that I did not go to HAHAH. Ju always laughs at my attention span because I would be telling her something half way and then get distracted by something else happening – just as is happening now in this post LOL but ok I digress. I would love to write more about what I’ll be doing in NZ but I honestly feel like it would be so much easier to explain in person and also when… Idk when my life is a bit more in order hur hur. Close friends are probably aware of my recent series of bad decisions and honestly, while I know that the time in NZ is not a panacea but I hope that it will be where things take a turn for the better. Watched Palo Alto on my plane ride home and I really really like the movie for its honest portrayal of growing up and the degenerate life lol. And one thing that stuck with me is “You’re young, you don’t know why you do things. But there is always a reason.” And i’m really hoping that the 6 months in NZ will be a time of self-discovery and also finding that elusive reason. (Would highly recommend watching Palo Alto and the other Tribeca 2014 films! Made my almost 18 hours of flight time very enjoyable!)

I will probably start a new space to keep fam and friends updated about life in NZ and everything that will happen – for which I am psyched but also a bit apprehensive. Check back here cos I’ll link up the new space when I finally get down to doing it! I’m also writing somewhere else right now – it’s quite nonsensical actually and I think YQ is the only one that reads it/ has been reading it because it was his idea so he is obliged to read it LOL.

 

my heart is filled with thankfulness :”)

The 7s weekend was such a good weekend BECAUSE SBW!!!!!

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Do not take credit for these two photos because someone sent them to me and I superrrr appreciate the fact that he wasn’t too busy watching to take photos to feed my inner fan girl hahaha :”)

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The SBW photos have been all over my social media hehehe but #sorrynotsorry because I mean this is every girls’ dream right?! As the bus pulled up into the drop off point, I turned to Andrew and said “omg my heart is beating super fast omg” HAHAHAH. Truly, truly. And I ended up getting a fever and a super sore throat the next day 😦 I don’t know what caused it but I’ve been telling people it’s probably cause I was too excited and my heart couldn’t take all the fan girling and excitement hahahah.

I also very pleasantly surprised when he decided to come and camp out at Pan Pac with me because the night before he told me he was 80% no LOL. But it was great hanging out again for the first time in four years and realising that we still play the same games and do the exact same ridiculous things we did 4 years ago :”)

The photos on the left are from 2012 and the ones on the right are from 2016 lol and it’s quite funny:

1st photoset – I wanted to get an anchor tattoo back (still do) and so we happened to be talking about it in Melb and I dont know why he had holes in his jeans but he did and I don’t know why he allowed me to draw on him but he did HAHA. And then this weekend, he took revenge by drawing an anchor on me too and obviously the one the left (mine) is nicer LOL

Second photoset: In 2012 we played some slapping game to pass time on the train from the city back to the suburbs and obviously I got a lot stronger cos the redness looked equal in the more recent photo.

Lol it is so ridiculous that we still do the same things we did 4 years ago HAHAH. But I told him he is really a true friend because he is the only person who would do ridiculous things with me – like we couldn’t decide what to do after dinner and we happened to walk by some massage chairs so I jokingly said lets just get a massage… and we did and it was great HAHAHA.

In other news, TWO MODULES DOWN AND TWO MODULES LEFT!! And the plan for the next 6 months of my life has been sorted out! YAY. Will end my final exam of law school in exactly 1 week and 1 day’s time – EXCITING!!! Will probably be revealing more about post law school plans after exam ends! Been telling more and more people about it when people ask me “so which firm are you going” or it came up at the last PG sharing session on Monday but yes… MORE TO COME MORE TO COME. If I say that the uncertainty of the future isn’t scary and absolutely daunting then I am lying. In fact, while I was sharing with the small group during PG, I kind of started tearing without expecting to?? And I never really knew how afraid I was until that moment but I am also truly excited :>

So so so thankful for PG and for this community of people who love so freely and richly and who truly exemplifies God’s love in human form!

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Scooped at FCD last week and it was such a joy to be back to see new and old faces back at the place that held sooooo much memories because that is where I spent most of my pre-uni days haha :”)

Was also a great joy to scoop for law school pals and TOPQTs Trish Rez and Charm :”) (ok actually only 2 came for my flavour HAHAH but its cool!) And a church friend on his birthday and the same 2 guys whole queued from 12 PM till I have no idea when but I scooped for the same 2 people at least 5/6 times….. and I saw them queuing at like 3/4 HAHA it was mad. Was also pleasantly surprised when I saw T and his folks hahahah but I had a lovely time talking to them :”)

Woke up with muscle aches again the next day, just like last year’s FCD so now I know that it wasnt from gymming the day before last year… hahaha it is truly from scooping flavours like CCCD and NYSF because they were so hard! >: But what a great 5 hours of distraction from work, from the HRA take home exam that I was in the midst of and just everything. I was initially very worried about taking 5 whole hours out of writing my paper but I remember how two little girls came up to my dipcase and when they saw the whole bulk of CCCD, they squealed in delight and when I handed them the cones they were soooo happy :”) And i knew then that the 5 hours – of being part of that unadulterated joy that ice cream gives to little kids (or adults too!) and being able to scoop for my friends – was worth it!

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I’ve started to write/ plan my goodbye/see you next year letters since two weeks ago.

(Your letter was the first one that I started to write; after all these time, there’s still so much to say to you)

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Saw this on FB today and all I thought was THIS IS ME

I have two essays due in 2 days time and my word count currently stands at zero + I have a six hour take home the following day. JOY. I am currently vascillating between ANXIETY and worrying about whether I can finish my papers on time and also study for my take home exam vs. ZEN (which kind of worries me). Minutes before I started typing this post, I was typing out my outline (after spending days trying to understand and choose a question, FINALLY!) and as I did, there was this strange sense of excitement – I had so many thoughts, so many ideas and so many things to write about because it was a topic that I feel relatively strongly about/ for so much so that that it was/is ironically hard to type it out into words. And I was just filled with immense gratefulness and was once again reminded of how this – struggling to write essays and finish cramming for exams – too, is a privilege.