3 am musings

I just submitted the final LAWR assignment today and after the moot next Thursday, it’s time to pop some champagne!

While doing LAWR with Nat last night/ early this morning, I realised that I have issues with letting go- not just in letting go and submitting my memo but letting go of people. Like with the LAWR Full Memo, Nat and I sent ten emails back and forth of edited copies of our memo. Even at 4am when Nat sent me our pretty much finalized copy, I still couldn’t bear to submit it.

I looked through our memo. I changed a sentence. Added a comma here, took out a comma there. I kept making minor changes because I didn’t want to submit the memo. After all, we have spent the whole semester’s worth of work on it and it all led up to this Full Memo. And I wanted it to be perfect. Plus our deadline was actually at 1359 and it was only 0410. So I sat there, reading the memo over and over.

It was this same pattern with my previous Appellant and Respondent memos. I didn’t submit them till very near the deadline because I felt like I could keep improving on it and making it better. This is why I hate my perfectionist streak because it makes getting work done very tough.

At 0431, when I finally submitted the memo and let go of my baby (and the bane of my whole sem at the same time), I was reminded of how similar it is to letting people go. I don’t want to let to of the people I love until I know I absolutely have to and I would not voluntarily let go of them. Just like submitting work right before a deadline, without which, I would probably never have submitted the memos, I will only let go of people when I am forced to.

I really love Greys and if there is one character that I can relate to, it would be Christina. Not just cause she is Asian. But because what Sadie said to Meredith about Christina really stuck with me.

“That’s okay, I’m a rolling stone, I bounce. But you’re about to do the same thing to Cristina and that girl mates for life.”

In that respect, I think I’m like Christina. When I love you, be it family or friend (or the more than friend), I will love you for life.

In one of my recent 3 am conversations with Gid, we (or rather I) talked about the ex and Gid said: “You love too much, you know that?” That really hit home because I never knew that love could be “too much” and that it could be something wrong but as I have realised, that was probably the reason why he bailed. In retrospect now, I could have loved the right way, could have moderated the way I showed it. But I’m not ashamed about the depth of what I felt. I’m intense like that 😉

Jalla read our palms in school one day and there were people who loved selfishly and the others who loved selflessly. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I fell in the latter category. I guess I just never believed in holding back on someone just to have more control or more power in a relationship. Maybe that’s why relationships these days are so transient; because people hold back for the fear of losing out, so they never let themselves get permanently attached to someone. Is that really how relationships are supposed to be?

This is so beautiful and it accurately portrays my ideals about love. Which have often been said to be naive. I agree but I really don’t believe in all the mind games and manipulation. And I don’t believe in the saying that the person who loves less in a relationship wins.

Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

As much as I have struggled to let go of him in the last one year, I also realised that time is very important. It’s as though there is this window period where you will mourn the loss of the relationship, you will say yes in a heartbeat if he wants you back and you will still want to go back to what is comfortable. But there comes a point of time where slowly, you become numb to the missing and wanting and suddenly it just doesn’t matter anymore. And that window closes. Then you really are separated by too much time to go back to what once was.

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Things do eventually become okay and eventually time will be make letting go come easy.

Let go, let God.

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