I was talking to Cass last Friday when she came over to BTC to study together (thanks for the cupcakes, bebz) and we realised that it’s been almost one year since everything – Jakarta trip and all the subsequent drama. So, in the spirit of Throwback Thursday, here are some photos from the Jakarta trip that I got off Cass’ Facebook :>
This is such a terrible photo! The pimple cream that I was experimenting with is forever immortalised in this photo 😦 But I quite like it for some strange reason :>
HAHAHA this series of photos are hilarious. I remember how we locked the boys out of their room and took their room key. So these photos show the process of them trying to get them back. I don’t really remember what happened in the end/ who won. But I’m pretty sure Cass + Joelle > the boys :>
Aside from having fun locking each other out of hotel rooms, I remember doing nonsense like toilet papering the boys’ room while they were out. It was damn juvenile haha but cheap thrill! And of course, when I’m around Cass there are always Crazy Cass dares. We wrote out a whole list of dares to accomplish on our last night in Jakarta, but we never really got around to accomplishing them. But ’twas a good trip really.
Cass was telling me about how in Jakarta, I was still the old, sad and heartbroken Joelle but now I seem much happier. Honestly, I think the Jakarta trip and the events that followed were in some way the beginning of the turning point for me. As much as I may have messed up, in a really strange way I am glad and thankful for everything that happened (although there are cringe worthy moments that I wish I could forget or turn back time to correct) but it really taught me a lot and helped me to grow. More importantly, I am very very very blessed to have got to know the bunch of boys I did during that season of my life.
They are an interesting bunch. Although we never really hung out that much, in fact the only times I saw most of them were at Zouk (mainly), but they are in a really strange way important people to me. It was a really difficult season – I was struggling to come to terms with the fact that it was over, that even though he said he just needs time, time to become a better person, what he was actually saying is “I’m out. It’s over. I don’t want to be with you anymore”. And it was this group of boys that really helped me tide through that period of time. It wasn’t anything intentional that they did. In fact, I don’t think they even knew the extent of everything that was going on? But it was in just allowing me to hang with them that made the difference – be it nights at Zouk, allowing me to bring 2 tubs of Ben&Jerry’s ice cream to stuff my face with while they drink, taking me to play LAN for the first time, sitting down with me outside my house and listening to my drunk ramble about my ex, or watching the Manchester Derby match at Gusttimo together. I think without them, maybe I would still be wallowing in heartache.
Clubbing and drinking were my coping mechanism. It was in those 4 or 5 hours in the club when the music was blasting and my head spinning from the alcohol that I found respite from my thoughts of why did he leave? why wasn’t I good enough? and all the other nonsense. I was truly very messed up then – inside, I was really broken after the heartbreak and it showed on the outside in the things I did.That’s why it didn’t matter that I was sloshed or if I woke up the next day not remembering what happened the night before. That’s why I didn’t know how to maintain and messed up big time. And I am eternally grateful for all the times that they took care of me even when they were not obliged to. Even though I was damn burden and I messed up over and over again, they never really gave up on me (until the end haha).
“You met me at a very strange time in my life.” – Fight Club
“One day, I will get there, though. I’ll be me again, and I’ll have forgotten this brief interlude of sorrow. I hope you meet me when I’m that person, so you can forget who I am today.“
This quote from Thought Catalog is beautiful. It is applicable to T, and it is applicable in this situation too. As of now, I am still ashamed to face them. But I hope that these boys will forget the messed up Joelle they once knew and that if we do meet again in the future, they can see the best version of me :>