take me back to the time where everything was beautiful and nothing hurts

“If”

damn that boundless word
she thinks, staring at the ceiling with puffy eyes
if
if she could go back to a time when it was easy
to think about love without loss
hands tracing hands tracing air
the spaces, the absences, they were never nothing
till he left

a bed feels large, a room feels big
she curls up under blankets, blue glow
illuminates her face and the tub of ice cream
if, if, if

but at least, at very least
she no longer asks if she could have done anything different
if, if, if
now she asks if he could have been someone else

clocks tick on, she stares at gaps
if someday she will be whole, she will
she rolls over, faces the wall, feels the cold
just not today.

– Gideon Goh

Today is an apt day to post this.

Unsettling dream from the night before. Unexpected discoveries. Unexpected reminders of what used to be (“Remember the zoo marathon?” she asked. OH. The day he passed me his school shirt to wear during the run for an extra measure of courage and strength. The day we went to the zoo for the first, and only time. The day that he waited for me at the finish line. How did the one who used to care so much become the cold stranger he is today?)

The “if”s and the “why”s are always so damning.

Thank you Giddy for being there at 3am whenever my thoughts go crazy. Thank you for bearing with all my whinging and for not ditching me when I am messed up inside and go to you with my walls of text, but being there because that’s exactly when I need someone. And you were there. Thank you for the tough lovin’ and for everything really. Talking to you late into the night always feels like old times again (gosh I feel so old, but really it is what, 6/7 years that we’ve known each other?) Thank you 🙂 It’s an honour to have have contributed to your NaPo (at least all that whinging and pain was not for nothing!) And thank you, for helping me put everything into words.

Please do check out Gid’s amazing poetry here! He’s on a NaPo adventure which is amazing because 6/7 years ago we tried to do the Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) at the same time and I failed miserably and now he’s doing poetry too. I feel like a proud momma :>

There’s always a song for every season, day or feeling. This is my song for the day. x

“In Greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound”. It’s a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards and forwards, it takes us to a place where we ache to go again.” – Don Draper

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