The way things played out the past two days have just been beyond my expectation and I can only say that God’s hand was truly behind everything.
I saw this on Tumblr before:
If you’re going to
Leave my life
At least close the door
Because the cold winds
Still rush through the door
And linger around my home
Leaving an eerie chill
That just reminds me of you
And of course I get curious
So from time to time
I follow the footsteps you left behind
And each time I see you
And it is true. For a really long time, I have been praying for closure so that I can finally close that chapter. After more than a year, I have finally received closure. It did not come in the way that I expected but closure is still closure. Although I never received the answers to the questions I had but still received blatant lies in the end – that is closure in some sense; knowing that some things never change and for that reason it is a good thing things ended up this way. I learnt that there will always be questions. And maybe the people that have been telling me that there is no such thing as closure or that they do not believe in closure were right all along. While it may not have happened in the way I expected it to, I am thankful that it did.
Thank you, God for working.
It feels bittersweet though – to know that it is finally, officially over. But in all the nostalgia and all the bittersweetness of it all, I am just clinging on to the promise that the latter will be greater and that God will not give me what is second best and He will not withhold his best from me.
I don’t think that the pain would magically go away after the God answered prayer for closure. I think at this point, my words fail me so I’m just going to use a few of my favourite quotes to express what I am feeling.
“Does it (the pain) ever go away?”
“No, but it changes. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can take out from under and carry it like a brick in your pocket. And you even forget it, for awhile. And then you reach in, for whatever reason; and there it is. OH, right. That. Which could be awful, but not all the time. It’s not that you like it exactly, but it’s what you have instead, so you don’t wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around.”
– The Rabbit Hole, a Pangdemonium Production.
I think that was me – not wanting to let go of the pain and the hurt because that was the only thing I had left of T and it was the only that I had to remind me that what we had was real and once existed. That was what I felt when I knew that the conversation was ending – I wanted to linger in it just a bit more because I knew that once that conversation ended it would be officially over and we would have nothing left to say to each other.
But “Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.” – Looking for Alaska, John Green.
And that is true. He was like a scab that never healed. I kept picking at it. Everyday, I would think about what happened more than a year ago and it has become more of a habit than anything else, just like the way you keep feeling the spot where a tooth used to be, just cause.
But what happened over the past two days helped me to stop lingering and to finally just stop. And I’m thankful.
This perfectly describes how I feel. I wish I could have put it more concisely, expressed it in a text and sent it to him, but I can’t change the magic that is Greys.
Alex: “Iz, I love you so much. And I… till I met you, I used to just think I just wasn’t a good guy. Growing up with my family, I mean, that’s what they told me. But now… after all of it, I know that I’m a good man. And I thank you for that, because I know now that I’m good enough not to deserve this. Not to have to feel like this. Not to love you so much that I almost hate you. I deserve someone who will stay.“