because I do not know how not to

I have decided that I will blog more about my cravings because just yesterday, I listed mac n cheese as something I was craving and today, my mother magically came home with mac n cheese. Life is good.

Also, today I took the world’s longest nap. I actually woke up a few times but went back to sleep again because I woke up mid dream and I wanted to continue dreaming so that I can find out how the dream would end. Although ironically, I never did because my dream ended on a cliffhanger and I saw everybody I didn’t need to see but did not see the one person I was waiting to see in the dream. If that even makes any sense at all. Just awhile back, I blogged about a dream too and yes, recently, I have been having this obsession with the meaning of dreams. Today, the dream mirrored what really happened in the day; and even in my dreams, you elude me.

I had already fallen in love with far too many postage stamps
When you appeared on my doorstep wearing nothing but a postcard promise –
No, appear, is the wrong word…

Is there a word for sucker punching someone in the heart?

Is there a word for when you’re sitting at a bottom of a rollercoaster
And you realize that the climb is coming
And you know what the climb means
And you can already feel the flip in your stomach from the fall before you even moved?

Is there a word for that?
There should be.

You can only fit so many words in a postcard
Only so many in a phone call
Only so many into space
Before you forget that words are sometimes used for things other than filling emptiness.

It’s hard to build a body out of words.
I have tried.
We have both… tried.

Instead of… holding your head to my chest
I tell you about the boy who lives downstairs from me
Who stays up all night long practicing his drumset.
And neighbours have complained… they have busy days tomorrow,
But he keeps on thumping through the night
Convinced, I think, that practice makes perfect.

Instead of holding my hand
You tell me about the sandwich you ate for lunch today.
How the pickles sit so perfectly with the lettuce.
Practice does not make perfect.
Practice makes permanent.

Repeat the same mistakes over and over.
You don’t get any closer to Carnegie Hall.. even I know that.
Repeat the same mistakes over and over.
You don’t get any closer.
You never get any closer.

Is there a word for the moment you win tug of war
When the weight gives
And all that extra rope comes hurtling towards you?
How even though you’ve won
You still wind up with muddy knees and burns on your hands?

Is there a word for that?
I wish there was.

I want to say it
When we’re finally together on your couch
And neither one of us with anything left to say.

Still now, I send letters into space
Hoping that some mailman somewhere will track you down
And recognize you from the description in my poems,
And he will place a stack of them in your hands and tells you,
“There is a girl who still writes you
She doesn’t know… how not to.”


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