Love in Truth

I definitely agree with Xue that blogging too much near exams is normal. It is my favorite form of procrastination especially at times like this when I have readings on Indonesian law to do. Another of my favorite way to procrastinate would be to read blogs, which is why I have been refreshing and visiting the rare few blogs that I keep up with a few times a day. Miss Sherilynn Ding, yours is one of them so if you see this… impetus to update more so I will have new fodder.

So last night I ended up staying up through the night and I only slept at 7 am this morning. Which meant that I cut classes today because I only got up around 11 when the first lecture started at 10. Also, I am very pleased and amused because I slept from 7-11… Get it?? I can’t say that I was very productive throughout the night because I was just listening to and reading poetry till about 330/4 am in the morning. (If you want to skip over the mundane details of my life to glorious poetry then just scroll down!) And only after that did I start on work proper. I worked on and finished my cross examination questions for the mock trial this coming wednesday. Throughout today, I have pretty much finished 3/5ths of my material for Wednesday plus more CLT readings so I am pleased 🙂 Thus I deserve to spend some time blogging.

Also, today I ended up spending more than one hour doing my devotion, mainly because I spent a lot of time journaling/ reading up commentaries online. Today’s passage was from John 6:53-63 and it’s the passage where Jesus asked his disciples to partake of his flesh and drink from his blood. So I spent some time googling what that actually meant. Look here if you are interested, it is quite a good read! While that meant a sort of ‘benefiting’ from Christ’s death in order to draw closer to God, what really stood out to me was how that can be translated in real life. That ultimately, what God wants from us is a dying to self and utter dependency on God in the way that Jesus was utterly dependent on God, even though He did not need to be. John 6:57: “As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who feeds on Me will live because of Me.” It is a call to seeking satisfaction not from the fulfillment of our desires but the fulfillment of God’s will in our lives. It’s something that I am really struggling with because there are a lot of things that I want that are for me and not for the ultimate glorification of God. And it is difficult to put everything down and say “God, take it. I just want to want You”. But I want to want to reach that point;  I’m still trying and I’m still learning.

I will leave you with more Sarah Kay + Phil Kaye. This is beautiful.

I knew exactly what love looked like- in seventh grade. Even though I hadn’t met love yet, if love had wandered into my homeroom I would’ve recognized him at first glance. Love wore a hemp necklace. I would’ve recognized her at first glance, love wore a tight french braid. Love played acoustic guitar and knew all my favorite Beatle songs. Love wasn’t afraid to ride the bus with me. And I knew, I just must be searching the wrong classrooms, just must be checking the wrong hallways, she was there, I was sure of it. If only I could find him.

But when love finally showed up, she had a bow cut. He wore the same clothes every day for a week. Love hated the bus. Love didn’t know anything about The Beatles. Instead, every time I try to kiss love, our teetch got in the way. Love became the reason I lied to my parents. I’m going to- Ben’s house. Love had terrible rhythm on the dance floor, but made sure we never missed a slow song. Love waited by the phone because she knew that if her father picked up it would be: “Hello? Hello? I guess they hung up.”

And love grew, stretched like a trampoline. Love changed. Love disappeared, slowly, like baby teeth, losing parts of me I thought I needed. Love vanished like an amateur magician, and everyone could see the trapdoor but me. Like a flat tire, there were other places I planned on going, but my plans didn’t matter. Love stayed away for years, and when love finally reappeared, I barely recognized him. Love smelt different now, had darker eyes, a broader back, love came with freckles I didn’t recognize. New birthmarks, a softer voice. Now there were new sleeping patterns, new favorite books. Love had songs that reminded him of someone else, songs love didn’t like to listen to. So did I.

But we found a park bench that fit us perfectly, we found jokes that make us laugh. And now, love makes me fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies. But love will probably finish most of them for a midnight snack. Love looks great in lingerie but still likes to wear her retainer. Love is a terrible driver, but a great navigator. Love knows where she’s going, it just might take her two hours longer than she planned. Love is messier now, not as simple. Love uses the words “boobs” in front of my parents. Love chews too loud. Love leaves the cap off the toothpaste. Love uses smiley faces in her text messages. And turns out, love shits!

But love also cries. And love will tell you you are beautiful and mean it, over and over again. You are beautiful. When you first wake up, “you are beautiful.” When you’ve just been crying, “you are beautiful.” When you don’t want to hear it, “you are beautiful.” When you don’t believe it, “you are beautiful.” When nobody else will tell you, “you are beautiful.” Love still thinks- you are beautiful. But love is not perfect and will sometimes forget, when you need to hear it most, you are beautiful, do not forget this.

Love is not who you were expecting, love is not who you can predict. Maybe love is in New York City, already asleep, and you are in California, Australia, wide awake. Maybe love is always in the wrong time zone, maybe love is not ready for you. Maybe you are not ready for love. Maybe love just isn’t the marrying type. Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the divorce, love is older now, but just as beautiful as you remembered. Maybe love is only there for a month. Maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit. Maybe love stays- maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to, and love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.” If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “Thank you. Thank you for stopping by.”

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