bittersweet

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The past two weeks have been nothing short of tiring and to be honest, I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s because I spent my whole weekend last week involved in church stuff – CG on Friday, MG, worship rehearsal, half of youth service on Saturday, leading worship at WEB, adult service, alpha training on Sunday. And I think that pretty much drained me physically and I entered this week just exhausted. (Though this isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy serving or the time spent but it probably just means that I am getting old.) It actually got better after a good rest on Tues and Wednesday. Plus spending time with the law school girls at the JustOne party, having serious conversations over beer and over the music that was playing about thefuture, about Christianity and relationships made for a good night.

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OG 2 girls 2014 v. 2012 ❀ MUCH LOVE TO THESE BEBES 480442_10151213451701119_1281886476_n

I think the toughest part about this week was the bummer that is exchange. People were talking about their interviews and starting to get their acceptance calls and I was just waiting… until I kind of realized that I wasn’t going to get it. And then I got the rejection email.

I remember sitting at Newton Hawker with the folks, enjoying a plate of sambal stingray and then suddenly bursting into tears when my dad asked whether there was any news re exchange. I was honestly surprised because I didn’t expect myself to be that disappointed. I was honestly quite half hearted during the period of application and I did not mind staying to work on TC applications. But I think having been so used to being able to get to the school I want and the course I want, not having an option just felt so foreign. Also, I think this is a wake up call as to how average my grades are and that’s just one of my worst fears coming true – swimming (or drowning, rather) in mediocracy.

I spent Friday being pretty bummed and I have been trying to see God’s hand and plan in this but I don’t really see it yet. But I’m alright now. I think it was in the midst of reflecting and thinking that I realized that everything I have is really unmerited and by grace – and that I should be thankful to even have the opportunity to be in law school at all. I kind of have something to look forward to in Year 3 even though I’m not going to be on exchange, so I am pretty excited for that. And I’m just going to trust that I am where I should be.

Then I indulged in online (window) shopping which made me very happy. I have my eyes on three pairs of beautiful Jeffrey Campbells (!!!) They are beautiful but $$$. Oh, I also saw a place at Bugis that sold onesies. It was onesie heaven and I was very excited and I was so tempted to just buy one, or two or three. I have a very unhealthy tendency to resort to retail therapy when I am down or to eat my feelings. I managed to control and just feast my eyes but I didn’t do too well on the eating :/

I spent a good afternoon with the family today at Mouth Restaurant and it was amazing. I have been dying to try the baked liu sha bao there since last year and I think my parents knew I was bummed so they decided to bring me there when I bugged them (THANK YOU V MUCH MUMMY AND DADDY).

The squid ink baked char siew bao and the baked liu sha bao (AMAZEBALLS!!!!)

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The glorious baked liu sha baoProcessed with VSCOcam with f2 preset

The liu sha bao did not disappoint and it really made me happy πŸ™‚ Being the snapchat whore that Vee says I am, I snapchatted the entire process – the food, the picking it up and the eating it (LOLOL). Food makes me happy #eatmyfeelingsalldayerrday but really, may the coming week be better!

I have this theory about happiness vs. joy, the idea being that I feel that happiness is dependent on the here and the now, the temporal (i.e. liu sha bao). But the source of joy is from God. And so while there are little things that make me happy here and there, if I depend on them, I won’t truly be happy/ joyful, unless it’s from the source. Β So note to self: I guess in all the various disappointments and general ennui re life, I need to remind myself to be thankful for grace which has given me everything I have and I would really be a fool to ask for anything more. And to always go back to the source.

p.s. I was trying to think of a good title for this post but words failed me so I googled “word to describe happy and sad” and this was the first link. Lol at ‘pregnant’, no I am not.

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