ceiling feelings

I might have mentioned this in a previous blogpost, but anyway I saw “ceiling feelings” on a friend’s tumblr and it she coined that term for thoughts and insights that you have just before falling asleep which I thought was quite brilliant.

Today I found out that PGary returned to Ignyte Min and is leading the Ministry again and I have absolutely no idea why that made me feel so emotional but it did – and I started to cry in the car. My parents thought I was mad (sometimes I think so too). I said “feel so emotional” because I still have yet to pin point what it was I felt that made me start crying.

On one hand, I was happy that PGary is back with Ignyte. To me, he will always be the best. He saw potential in 13 year old me, believed in me and always challenged me to be better. There was no politics or agenda behind the way he treated anyone, he was real and he loved every Ignyter. And most importantly, he loved God and it really showed in his life. I really can’t imagine anyone who is better fit for this role than he is.

But there was also this sense of sadness. Ignyte was truly my best days. I thought about it just now, you know how every civilisation has a golden age and in the same vein, if I look back on the past 21 years of my life, my days in Ignyte was my golden age. I was closest to God then. I was serving in church and back then, I could not imagine myself not serving in church. I had a community there, a family. And that is something I have tried to find in my past few years in my current church, but haven’t been able to find. (Although to be fair, I have found people that I love and care for very much and am v thankful for i.e. Kris, Eunice, Jenny, my Momentum girls, but it is still different?) It was also the time where I was actually doing well in school and not swimming in mediocrity which is what I feel is happening right now and it is something that scares me to no end. PGary and I left Ignyte at the same time. I remember sitting with him during lunch at my last Ignyte camp telling him I think I was going to change church and processing things with him. So after hearing that he has returned, I couldnt help but wonder whether things would have been better had I stayed in Ignyte.

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